The death of a spouse is one of the most difficult things a person ever has to face. Starting over is never easy but offers many rewards.
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After his wife died, Robert retreated into a shell. His daughter helped him clean the refrigerator because he couldn’t throw away anything Emily had made. He wouldn’t let anyone touch her closet or her make-up shelf in the bathroom. Their bedroom looked as if she had merely gone away for a few days...and that was basically the way Robert thought of her absence.
The death of a spouse is perhaps the most difficult thing a person ever has to face, and at least 25 percent of widows and widowers suffer some kind of physical or mental illness in the year that follows. One study concluded that recently bereaved persons had a risk of depression nine times that of married individuals.
Whether the death is sudden or the result of a long illness, the survivor suffers substantial emotional trauma. Denial is common at first, sometimes accompanied by anger; then a period of intense longing for the deceased and finally feelings of hopelessness and despair before the individual is able to accept the loss and move forward. All of this has been documented to have a direct impact on both physical and mental health.
Emotional stress, poor sleep and loss of appetite can affect the immune system and aggravate existing medical conditions such as diabetes, hypertension or heart disease. According to one study, the risk of a heart attack was 14 times higher than normal during the first 24 hours after the death of a spouse and this elevated risk lingered to some degree for the next 30 days.
Perhaps the most devastating consequences are associated with loneliness, isolation and the loss of social support. An older man may be at greater risk than a woman, especially if he depended on his wife to organize social activities and maintain contact with friends. Whether from physical or psychiatric causes, men over age 54 had a 40 percent increased death rate in the six-month period after the death of a spouse, according to one study.
In the year after Emily’s death, Robert made little effort to maintain social contacts, and his children were worried about his growing isolation. After several frank discussions with them, he saw the danger and decided to make some changes in the way he was doing things.
Because Emily had done most of the cooking, Robert had never really given much thought to meal planning or nutrition. In his first year alone, he frequently skipped meals or relied on snacking or prepared foods. He was consuming far too many foods high in sodium and fat considering his high blood pressure and cholesterol.
His son suggested that he go to the senior center for lunch, and eventually Robert agreed to give it a try. Soon it was part of a routine. Every day, he went for a 45-minute walk in mid-morning, then showered and got ready for lunch.
At the center, he met several new acquaintances, also recently widowed, and they gradually became the center of a renewed social life. With a better diet and some social contact, his mood improved. Instead of thinking about the things he and his late wife used to do together, he started thinking in terms of his own life.
Emily had never liked pets, but Robert had happy memories of a dog he had cared for as a child. Answering an ad in the paper, he linked up with a mature border collie, and they soon became inseparable. He and Suzy took long afternoon treks in the forest preserve nearby–another activity that was not to his late wife’s liking.
Two years later, Robert was functioning well, and his children were surprised when he introduced them to a woman he had been dating for several months.
Elderly men are more likely than women to re-marry or start a new relationship. Because of gender roles and demographics, they are less likely than women to get the social support they need from other men. At any one time, there are more widows than widowers available.
Mental health experts point out that grief is not depression, even though it may share some of the same symptoms. It’s important to realize that these feelings are common and normal, and there is no timetable for predicting how long they will persist.
Those who do best see their situation not as an ordeal but rather a challenge. When the individual responds to that challenge, he or she can come out the other side a stronger person, with new interests and coping skills.
REFERENCES:
Bruce Bower, “Health May Succumb to Grief Reaction,” Science News, May 17, 1997.
Deborah Carr, James S. House, Camille Wortman, Randolph Nesse and Ronald C. Kessler, “Psychological Adjustment to Sudden and Anticipated Spousal Loss among Older Widowed Persons,” the Journals of Gerontology, Series B, July, 2001.
Nigel P. Field, Eval Gal-Oz and George A. Bonanno, “Continuing Bonds and Adjustment at 5 Years after the Death of a Spouse,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, February, 2003.
Tanya R. Fitzpatrick, “Bereavement Events among Elderly Men: The Effects of Stress and Health,” Journal of Applied Gerontology, June, 1998.
Wendy Lustbader, “Self-Neglect: A Practitioner’s View–Social Worker’s View of the Aged at Risk,” Gale Group, 2004.
DeWitt Smith, “Starting Over Is No Easy Task,” Allegiant Media, 2003.
Effects of Bereavement
Bereavement can affect virtually every aspect of a person’s life. Reactions that have been recorded by researchers include:
· a hollow feeling in the stomach,
· tightness in the chest and throat,
· dry mouth,
· sensitivity to noise,
· shortness of breath,
· muscular weakness or lack of energy,
· disbelief,
· confusion,
· preoccupation with thoughts of the deceased,
· depression,
· sleeping and eating difficulties,
· sorrow, sadness, guilt, anger, denial,
· slowing down of movements or slower reaction time,
· symptoms resembling those experienced by the deceased.
[SOURCE: Tanya R. Fitzpatrick, “Bereavement Events Among Elderly Men: The Effects of Stress and Health,” Journal of Applied Gerontology, June, 1998]
Sudden Death Not
Always More Traumatic
The sudden death of a spouse is bound to be traumatic but not necessarily more difficult for the survivor. According to one study, forewarning of death had no effect on the degree of depression, anger, shock or overall grief–either 6 months or 18 months after the loss. Prolonged forewarning, on the other hand, was found to be correlated with increased anxiety.
Other studies have found that a painful death is associated with increased anxiety, yearning and intrusive thoughts.
[SOURCE: Deborah Carr, James S. House, Camille Wortman, Randolph Nesse and Ronald C. Kessler, “Psychological Adjustment to Sudden and Anticipated Spousal Loss among Older Widowed Persons,” The Journal of Gerontology, Series B., July, 2001; Deborah Carr, “A ‘Good Death” for Whom? Quality of Spouse’s Death and Psychological Distress among Older Widowed Persons,” The Journal of Health and Social Behavior, June, 2003]
Social Participation Is
Key to Coping with Loss
When you care for an ailing spouse for a number of months or years, you tend to lose a good part of your life, including many of your social contacts that are crucial to healthy functioning. After the spouse dies, the support you get from family and friends serves as a way of re-building your social networks.
One study found that widowed persons had higher levels of informal social participation than their non-widowed counterparts. Formal social participation requires more of a concerted effort on the part of the individual who may have a difficult time initiating such contacts during the period of grief.
[SOURCE: Camille B. Wortman, “The Effect of Widowhood on Older Adults’ Social Participation: An Evaluation of Activity, Disengagement, and Continuity Theories,” The Gerontologist, August, 2002]
Caring for a Spouse with
Dementia Takes Toll
Caregivers of persons with dementia have a high rate of depression and stress-related illness.
One study found that 43 percent of current dementia caregivers and 41 percent of past caregivers suffered from mild to severe depression two to three years later. For control subjects, the depression rate was 15 percent.
[SOURCE: Marilynn Larkin, “Adverse Effects of Caregiving Linger after Spouse’s Death,” The Lancet, December 22, 2001]
No Immunity from STDs
If you’re recently widowed and venturing into sexual activity, be sure you take proper precautions against sexually transmitted diseases. If your new partner has been sexually active, a test for HIV/AIDS, herpes and other STDs is the safest first step.
Even at an age when birth control is no longer necessary, condoms may still be necessary for persons pursuing an active sex life with multiple partners.
[SOURCE: Andrea Kott, “Starting Over: Making Love Again after a Long Time Alone Can Bring Back the Excitement of Youth...as Well as the Fear and Anxiety,” Mature Health, February, 1990]
Wrong Kind of Weight Loss
Both men and women who become widowed may lose weight, but usually it is for the wrong reasons–loss of appetite, poor eating habits and, in some cases, malnutrition related to changed socioeconomic status.
A study of marital status and body weight of 9,043 adults in the National Health and Nutrition Epidemiological Follow-Up Survey (NHEFS) confirmed that men who became widowed lost more weight than married men and that widowed or divorced women gained weight when they re-married.
[SOURCE: Jeffery Sobal, Barbara Rauschenbach and Edward A. Frongillo, “Marital Status Changes and Body Weight Changes: A U.S. Longitudinal Analysis,” Social Science & Medicine, April, 2003]
